Songs In The Key Of Bob

pH61

2009-11-05T14:23:00.002-05:00

It's the (eternally) Thin Man's birthday today. You could do worse than pick up his last couple of discs, being as they are bloody good.

Here's a good and comprehensive (on personal matters anyway) multi-part interview from a couple of years ago on a Dutch site:

mp3: Peter Hammill -- "Amnesiac" (from X My Heart)
mp3: Peter Hammill -- "Top Of The World Club" (from Thin Air)

Reminder

2009-10-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

Don't forget to tune in to CBC's revamped version of The National on Monday.

Local Newz Update

2009-10-22T12:05:00.005-05:00

Please, anything but the Monolithic Sidewalk!!

501 becomes 250.5 (approximately). Overdue good news...for the wife, anyway. I drive everywhere so I don't give two shits.

Laura likes preserving tomatoes. I see this becoming my new catchphrase for some reason.

I'm pretty sure this used to be a crackhouse. Or looked like one.

That is all.

mp3: Pele -- "Nude Beach. Pin Hole Camera" (from The Nudes)

Shut Up And Sample

2009-10-20T16:17:00.001-05:00

My boys Animal Collective open their yaps for PETA (well, really they shuffle their feet and look uncomfortable, as they bloody well should):

Crulity indeed.

More crulity:

United Against Death

2009-10-16T08:26:00.000-05:00

Artsy Danish Pretty Boys Rool OK

2009-10-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

The expiation for Aqua continues:

We Ask For The Public's Assistance In This Case

2009-10-09T19:51:00.002-05:00

At Yonge & Incurious:

Toronto police are again turning to the public for information about a missing teen after her backpack was found on Thursday outside a building near Eglinton Ave. E. and Yonge St.

"This is the first tangible item we've discovered," said Det. Sgt. Dan Nealon about the schoolbag belonging to Mariam Makhniashvili, who vanished on Sept. 14 while walking to school.

...

After questioning people in the area, police learned that Al Nezhadi, a resident living on the ground floor of an apartment building on Roehampton first spotted the bag on the lawn about two weeks ago.

But he didn't think much of it. After all, he says, students who attend the high school often cross the street to smoke, chat and hang out, routinely leaving things behind on the grass next to the building, such as baseball bats and shoes.

Not wanting the bag to get wet, Nezhadi moved it on to his balcony, in plain sight, hoping that its owner would claim it. But then it got muddy, so he moved it again after some days.

"I moved it around a few times, thinking someone would take it," said Nezhadi, adding he had not heard of Mariam's disappearance.

Nezhadi said he and his wife opened the bag and noticed it contained books and food, presumably Mariam's lunch. But they did not leaf through the books in search of a name.

Residents out walking their dog, also noticed the knapsack, but they assumed it belonged to Nezhadi's daughter, so no one took a closer look.

"I was moving it around and hoping somebody would pick it up," said Nezhadi. "And then three or four days ago I didn't see it."

That's when somebody moved the bag, about 20 metres, from Nezhadi's balcony back onto the grass, beneath a tree.

Brown Shirts

2009-10-07T19:56:00.000-05:00

No Beaver Boy jokes.

Things we do for our kids, eh?

mp3: Boston Spaceships -- "Soggy Beavers" (from Brown Submarine)

The Case For Yank Health Care Reform

2009-10-04T14:49:00.001-05:00

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Wanted: First Strike Capability

2009-10-04T14:27:00.003-05:00

By the peeps for the peeps yo!

Not, I think, that it will stop the little fukkers from rolling past my bedroom window at 1am every other weeknight.

Why I Like Some Pop Music Critics In Particular But Loathe Them In General

2009-10-02T15:05:00.004-05:00

This is not a terrible album, there’s just no reason for it to exist.

The unpleasantness behind him, Mr. Richards returns to his Parkinson's research.

Creepy/funny stuff:

mp3: Dodos -- "The Strums" (from Time To Die)

Archbishop A Glass Half-Full Kinda Guy

2009-10-02T09:14:00.003-05:00

Archbish Anthonygonish Mancini:

This can be an opportunity for all of us to rediscover what it is to be the community of faith, to realize what the root of our faith really is, and how each of us helps to share the faith.

We are going through a very painful contemporary experience of the mystery of our Faith, which is all about Passion and Death yes, but it is also about the promise of Resurrection, without which we have no future. So I call on you to be hopeful because we believe in new life and new possibilities.

Indeed.

Continuing Education

2009-10-02T08:46:00.002-05:00

Rip and send to any and all religiose dingbats in your ken.

And on this date in 1836, Darwin touches down on the Cornish coast.

Wait Until Traffic Is Stopped Before Exiting Rear Doors

2009-09-08T08:25:00.007-05:00

Sober Apians brace for invasion of the Proton Savvy.

mp3: Angry Samoans -- "Right Side Of My Mind" (from Inside My Brain)

Give Geez A Chance (Shortay)

2009-09-06T10:47:00.001-05:00

And

2009-09-06T10:37:00.003-05:00

getting fatter.

Close-fitting shirt though, as was the style in 2008 at Mountain Equipment Co-op.

mp3: Guided By Voices -- "Blimps Go 90" (from Alien Lanes)

Update

2009-08-30T13:28:00.002-05:00

Hangin' with Aztec Gino is all.

Crapple

2009-06-24T09:20:00.003-05:00

At this rate, the 4th generation Shuffle will be a cochlear implant.

Form over function--ya think?

Bondi Balmy Beach

2009-06-22T21:18:00.001-05:00

Odder than odd: Mark Seymour playing at the Balmy Beach Club.

Five

2009-06-06T20:17:00.002-05:00

A wee bit in the cups and all melancholy-like from missing the gels (who are away this weekend)

The indomitable Wings up 4-0 currently in second period of game 5.

The daughter's current favourite:

PM listening:

Anthony Phillips -- "High Fives" (from Field Day)

Just like fucking tweeting isn't it?

Her Lips Are Sealed

2009-05-26T08:57:00.005-05:00

The GG takes a break from the rubber chicken circuit:

Hundreds of Inuit at a community festival gathered around as the Governor General made a gesture of solidarity with the country's beleaguered seal hunters.

Jean knelt above a pair of carcasses and used a traditional blade to slice the meat off the skin.

After repeated, vigorous cuts through the flesh the Queen's representative turned to the woman beside her and asked enthusiastically: "Could I try the heart?"

Afterward Jean grabbed a tissue to wipe clean her blood-soaked fingers, and explained her gesture of solidarity with the region's Inuit hunters.

Or, the purple version:

First she gutted it. Then she had the heart pulled out of its furry, flabby carcass. Finally, she swallowed a slice of the mammal's dripping organ.

And then...

Talkin' 'Bout My Re-Relegation

2009-05-24T16:01:00.003-05:00

It's not dead, squire, it's just resting

Coffin, nail, final.

Sliced Kiwi

2009-05-20T11:52:00.002-05:00

Maori pseudo-scientifically pwned.

Fireworks

2009-05-20T09:25:00.005-05:00

The wife and I went to see Animal Collective at the ex-Docks on Saturday. I don't think I've ever felt so aged: apart from one late-40ish-looking couple we were by far the oldest people there. At least Jo received the compliment of being carded by security. Which circle of hell is it where you're packed in like sardines with swooning hippies with b.o., fratboy doofuses and young men with bad halitosis (as opposed to good halitosis)? Must be in the top ten. It was certainly in the top five during opening act Grouper's set--too tedious to be engaging and too sonically annoying to be decent wallpaper music.

The show was very good, although I was disappointed they largely skipped over Feels and Sung Tongs ("Leaf House" was really cool). All of the current Merriweather Post Pavilion hits were there, along with some nice reworkings of older tunes like "Chocolate Girl."

Victoria Day fireworks with the girl on Monday, fortunately making us feel young again.

Taking RC Harris Water Treatment Plant (By Sparkler)

I've Broken Free From Zionist Control

2009-05-20T09:23:00.001-05:00

Well, they let me go really, once they realized I wasn't much good at anything.

Police Estate

2009-01-26T20:32:00.002-05:00

"I haven't seen a car in a house in a long time."

"Allo, allo, what's all this then..?"

Happy Australia Day

2009-01-26T10:13:00.000-05:00

Cheap Laffs

2008-12-16T16:18:00.004-05:00

Checking out, cashing in:

Ah, memories:

What Friggin' Recession

2008-12-15T10:30:00.003-05:00

$18 mil per for erratic, injury prone quickie with 'tude.

These only just back in stock.

Throwing out new shoes becomes fashionable.

Still Here

2008-12-15T10:27:00.001-05:00

Been busy.

Another Burnside

2008-08-21T22:44:00.002-05:00

Hadn't heard of this one before.

Ours has nicer whiskers.

Back To Ron In The Studio

2008-07-21T19:56:00.003-05:00

Two words: The Meng.

Darwin Awards Entrant

2008-07-21T17:47:00.001-05:00

Photographic section.

Note the Smeato-like hard-as-shitness of yours truly--not a peep.

Gimme Some Mo'

2008-07-21T16:11:00.004-05:00

The seemingly unsackable CIC National Prez Mohamed El-Masry at it again:

Prime Minister Stephen Harper is indifferent to Omar Khadr’s plight because the Guantanamo Bay prisoner is ``brown-skinned” and a Muslim, the leader of one of Canada’s largest Islamic groups said today.

Harper’s resistance to calls to repatriate the Canadian citizen shows he is pandering to Islamophobes, said Canadian Islamic Congress president Mohamed Elmasry.

“In this case, Mr. Harper is playing politics because of the backdrop of Islamophobia in this country,” Elmasry said.

[...]

Elmasry contrasts Khadr’s case with that of dual Canadian-British citizen William Sampson, who was freed from a death sentence in Saudi Arabia in 2003.

Prior to his release, the federal Liberal government of the day made pleas on Sampson’s behalf to the Saudi government.

“Why is Stephen Harper so callously indifferent to Omar Khadr’s case?” Elmasry wrote.

“It’s painfully obvious: William Sampson is a white Westerner while his fellow Canadian citizen, Omar Khadr, is brown-skinned and a Muslim.”

Cat/Mouse

2008-07-20T12:21:00.002-05:00

About all Mighty Mouseses are good for...

Several Pints Of Bitter

2008-07-20T12:05:00.003-05:00

Caught this interview with Alannah Myles the second time 'round. See how far you can get without cringing or hitting pause.

Q: when people who "visualize" their successes fuck up, is it due to improper visualization of the success or a failure to visualize the failure?

Shit

2008-07-19T15:52:00.002-05:00

You should see the other guy.

Scooby Snacktime--The Remixes out August 4

2008-07-18T11:31:00.007-05:00

An excuse for a smart-ass headline.

Advice: just say...

mp3: They Might Be Giants--"No!" (from No!)

Belle River Haiku

2008-07-14T17:04:00.002-05:00

Jim came to visit
He had a glass of water
And we bad-mouthed Will

The Goat Next Door

2008-07-13T18:41:00.002-05:00

I guess my neighbour's not so bad after all.

Emery: Time You Go Away

2008-06-23T16:02:00.001-05:00

Later, arsehole.

Pitter-Patter Of Tiny Paws

2008-06-23T15:08:00.006-05:00

Burnside

Burnside

Burnside

Burnside

Someone Had To

2008-04-07T15:50:00.001-05:00

Golden Age

2008-03-10T18:59:00.003-05:00

No picnic for the staff, obviously, but I gotta say I'm looking forward to my eventual stay in one of our care facilities:

Elderly and demented residents are attacking their caregivers in Canadian nursing homes at alarming rates, a new study out of York University says.

[edit]

“Almost all of the personal support workers that we surveyed said they experienced physical violence (at some point) from the residents they cared for,” [lead study author Albert] Banerjee says.

As well, about 30 per cent of Canadian workers – 95 per cent of them women – complained of unwanted sexual attention on a daily or weekly basis.

Almost 12 per cent said they suffered racial slurs over the same time frames.

In An Ironic Cock-Rocky Mood

2008-03-07T18:12:00.002-05:00

The Stone Diaries

2008-03-07T16:45:00.003-05:00

Went to see the Bevster read from the new book at Harbourfront the other night. Despite the obvious nervyness of a first public reading, she did a fine job. The modest number of copies available were snapped up quickly (official release pushed back to early April now).

The novel is dedicated to my sister-in-law Cindy, which was a very sweet gesture.

So I didn't go to see Deerhoof's Canadian Music Week gig. As if I would have been able to stay awake for it anyway.

Year Of Rat Festivities Cancelled

2008-02-20T13:33:00.002-05:00

The Dumpling House reopens.

"We make dumplings in the front window. We kind of showcase the food, we don't hide anything from the public," said Michael Chu, the manager of the [restaurant].

We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

2008-02-19T17:12:00.005-05:00

No Beautiful Shore, the debut novel by our friend Beverley Stone (as previously mentioned) has been delayed at the printers but should be available around mid-March at your local.

Bev will be doing her first public reading as part of the Harbourfront Weekly Reading Series on Wednesday, March 5. It's not on their sked yet but I assure you 'tis so. So go. No heckling, unless it's in dialect.

And gents--she's single (with cats)!

Black DSH Showing Blonde Roots

2008-02-13T18:13:00.002-05:00

Our pusscat refused to eat his salmon- and trout-flavoured cat food today because I put...salmon oil in it.

Post About Post-Rock Band Post-Iraq

2008-02-13T16:02:00.003-05:00

Efrim Menuck, erstwhile of Montreal's maestros of the maudlin (de)crescendo Godspeed You! Black Emperor, talks about the band's demise in an upcoming interview. Unfortunately, Babelfish doesn't speak Gibberopseudish:

The last American tour that Godspeed did was in the run up to the current war in Iraq. For what Godspeed did, it was very difficult for us to work out a way for us to communicate directly with the audience about what was going on. We would talk to people after the shows, or we could make announcements from the stage but so much what Godspeed was, was one-way communication.

“And I had an existential freak-out about that. That those tactics aren’t valid anymore.

“People didn’t need a rock band pointing in the direction of [how the world was at that point]. Maybe what they needed is some clumsy words, a presentation that was a little more human.

mp3: GY!BE--"Moya" (from the ep Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada)

We're An Urban Village!

2008-02-13T15:51:00.003-05:00

...wrote C. Hume in The Star the other day.

I must say it helps having rail lines a couple of blocks north, a commercially depressed area to the east, and a fucking great hill to the south.

Although they lack excitement, the tree-lined roads make up for a lot. Wandering around here one is reminded of the critical role trees play in a city like Toronto, which would otherwise be one mean-looking place.

Oh, pooh.

Hitchens Refuted

2008-02-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

God exists.

Time Lapse

2008-02-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

Dec. 16

Jan. 13

Feb. 1

Not From Sligo

2008-01-26T18:18:00.000-05:00

....but his accent was impeccable.

Madness In The Atlantic

2008-01-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

Feeding my recent obsession with adventure tales, I've just finished reading this book.

In the end, Donald Crowhurst didn't do much adventuring, as he never made it out of the Atlantic Ocean and didn't see many storms. However, his story serves as a warning against solo sailing, or, for that matter, doing any remote exploration by yourself. (Look what happened to Chris McCandless, subject of Into The Wild.)

I'm not talking about the obvious physical perils of solo adventures:
Sailing up and down the Atlantic for 243 days, alone, with limited radio contact and only one shore visit (with non-English speakers), is a sure way to push an unstable person around the bend. And in Crowhurst's case, it did. Heck, it probably could push a well-balanced person over the edge.

This isn't a book report; I'm not going to give you a synopsis of what happened to Donald Crowhurst. His story is widely available online. Plus, there's now a documentary about him, Deep Water. I hope to see it some day.

What's saddest about Crowhurst's story is how trapped he felt, how he boxed himself into an impossible situation. It's like watching the proverbial train wreck; you're unable to stop it happening. He had many opportunities to stop before it was too late. He could've even sailed to the West Indies, declared himself a renegade and never returned home. For him, too shameful an option perhaps. But at least he wouldn't have gone mad.

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T18:22:00.000-05:00

Best wishes to all. We're staying in, as Jo is coming down with the flu.

Who am I kidding--we'd have stayed in anyway.

Perhaps watching this.

X

2007-12-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

We're off for a few days, so best wishes to one and all.

Enjoy responsibly.

Or else.

Newf For 2008

2007-12-22T13:56:00.000-05:00

The debut novel by our friend Bev Stone (Beverley for ahh-thorial purposes) will be released by Cormorant Books on Valentine's Day.

I order you to pre-order.

Bev has a wicked and weird sense of humour and a soothing voice that could talk down the most determined jumper.

An Aversion To Publicity Bordering On The Bransonesque

2007-12-21T20:25:00.000-05:00

When making fun of Ann Coulter, we Canucks should always remember that we spawned Rachel "Play Misty For Me" Marsden.
Thorough backgrounder here, for those of you who didn't read Frank regularly during the late '90s.

...And Featuring Jack Warden As Nerva

2007-12-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

Pretty Linus Roache joins the cast of ~~Dawn Of The Dead~~ L & O.

Is there a major shortage of American actors or something?

Kiwi Kwasi Konfection Konquers Kanuckistan (Kraftily)!

2007-12-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

Mmmm...butteroil-sugar blend.

Big In Iran

2007-12-17T09:55:00.000-05:00

Nice to hear that Chris de Burgh is still alive.

"Lady In Red" will not be performed, authorities say, and if she shows up she'll be politely asked to adhere to Islamic dress codes.

Jehovah's Dandruff

2007-12-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

Winter arrives next week.

Red Hat, Ding Bat

2007-12-15T23:57:00.000-05:00

The Joe Horn case in Texas, commented upon by Guardian Angels principal breakdancer Curtis Sliwa (zip to around 1 minute in).

Catch Curtis live in Halifax this weekend.

Waiting For The McCaw

2007-12-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

Buy me one for Antitheistmass.

Palate Cleanser

2007-12-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

Rid yourself of the taste of the Piano Man with a bit of the Bald Synth Man:

Rhymes With Hallelu-jah

2007-12-07T17:23:00.000-05:00

The dehumanizing effects of war, exemplified by Nickelback fused with tourist-version Middle-Eastern motif:

Actually, if you imagine it being sung by Warren Zevon it's kinda funny.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

2007-12-07T17:05:00.000-05:00

Low and extra loose:

A 54-year-old woman pleaded guilty Thursday to committing aggravated assault by a series of attacks on her naked common-law partner which included tearing open his scrotum and smashing a beer bottle over his head in Owen Sound last month.

[edit]

Campbell and her common-law partner for 24 years began arguing over money. She wanted to go to a restaurant and drink, while he wanted to pay the electricity bill so the power company would turn the electricity back on.

Goddam that's one choice I hope I never have to face.

Moral High Horse Breaks Leg, Destroyed

2007-12-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

"Objectifying" your lad/lass good, some anonymous bimbo bad, as NDP MP Irene Mathyssen explains:

Mathyssen stunned all sides by complaining that she'd seen Tory MP James Moore checking out a "scantily clad" woman on his laptop computer in Parliament.

Moore, a parliamentary secretary from British Columbia, vehemently denied the claim. And late Wednesday, Mathyssen apologized to Moore.

NDP spokesman Ian Capstick said Mathyssen phoned Moore and he explained to her that the photos she'd seen on his laptop were of his girlfriend.

Water Wet Shock II

2007-12-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

Gene converts carbs to fat.

No shit.

Water Wet Shock

2007-12-05T16:38:00.000-05:00

1 + 1 > 1, says Michigan State researcher:

A new scientific study deduces divorce pollutes the environment, because it splits households in two, doubling the demand for electricity and even water.

"More households mean more houses," said Jianguo Liu, professor of fisheries and wildlife at Michigan State University, who co-authored the report published in this week's Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

"To build more houses, you need more land, more construction material and more energy."

Buyers' Market

2007-11-23T15:43:00.000-05:00

It Is Most Definitely Alive

2007-11-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

From Andrew Nikiforuk's review of Devra Davis' The Secret History Of The War On Cancer in today's Globe:

[Davis] has smelled and felt cancer firsthand, having lost two parents and many friends, including the comic Andrea Martin, to the disease.

Richard Ouzounian reviews the new stage version of Young Frankenstein:

The original 1974 film worked because its visual style was a perfect match for those cheesy 1930s Universal horror films.

And the cast was superb. But except for Megan Mullally's brassily clueless fiancée Elizabeth, and Andrea Martin's dourly knowing housekeeper, Frau Blucher, the rest of the musical's personnel are limp imitations.

Minor Threat For Minors

2007-11-16T16:12:00.000-05:00

Michael McKinnon, a.k.a. Jam Toast, has an even younger audience than Anti-Flag.

Tunes here.

Rain Dance II

2007-11-14T16:33:00.000-05:00

Poor ol' Stu:

Rain Dance

2007-11-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

Drought-stricken Georgia's Governor Sonny Perdue prays.

But this fellah has an air-horn and knows that buggery is to blame:

Both deserve to have some form of liquid fall on their heads.

Good on these dudes.

November 12 Minus 1

2007-11-12T16:29:00.001-05:00

Outside Kew Beach Park:

Ignore the squirrel

Out of the mouths of etc... (please forward to J. Layton)

Taggaz Wi Culcha

2007-11-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

Not a graffito you see every day...

mp3: G. Mahler--"Von der Schonheit (Beauty)" from Das Lied Von Der Erde (C. Ludwig; Von Karajan, Berlin PO)

Drill Drill Drill Press

2007-11-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

Play very loud:

New one out on Tuesday.

A Short Break

2007-10-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

Quit my job a couple of months ago. Decided to stay home with she.

I get to hang with my daughter during a fun stage of her intyleckchual development, get more exercise, and get to lounge about in playgrounds with attractive mummies.

And I'm drinking as much if not more than I ever have.

Life is good and I'm the insufferable dude.

mp3: They Might Be Giants--"The Cap'm" (from The Else)

Fatboy Fat

2007-09-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

Flash Harry, coming to terms with his international celebrity.

Freebie

2007-09-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

But what's the Court's position on tipping?

Around the Newmarket courthouse, they're calling it the "Monica Lewinsky ruling," a reference to the White House intern who performed a certain sexual act on then-president Bill Clinton.

Although that was an oral act, the case in the courthouse north of Toronto that is creating such a buzz involves "manual release," and whether or not masturbating a client at a Vaughan body rub parlour was an act of prostitution.

Justice Howard Chisvin, of the Ontario Court of Justice, didn't think so, and dismissed two bawdy house charges against Valeri Ponomarev, the manager of Studio 176, in a recent ruling that said: "The payment of money was for a full-body massage. The act of masturbation was optional, at no additional fee. I wonder, and am left in doubt as to whether or not the community might consider the act of masturbation in all situations to be sexual."

Snakes vs. Ovoid Balls

2007-09-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

Egg-heaving doesn't hold a candle to it.

Father Of The Year

2007-09-04T19:25:00.001-05:00

My daughter's current favorite vid.

Footloose

2007-08-31T09:52:00.000-05:00

Nice work etc.:

Forensic experts are examining two severed right feet found within days of each other on separate islands off central Vancouver Island.

Police say the latest remains – a foot inside a men's size-12 Reebok sneaker – were found Sunday on a heavily used trail on Gabriola Island near Nanaimo.

[edit]

Oceanside RCMP Cpl. Garry Cox said that finding two severed right feet on relatively nearby islands at such a close interval is odd.

"It's very strange and unusual," he said. "I've never seen anything like this before.

"We've had body parts found, but it's usually from somebody who has died and animals scattered the body parts around."

Invasion

2007-08-29T14:47:00.001-05:00

...of the Suspicious Lepidoptera People.

No Comment

2007-08-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

Star headline:

Trapped Chinese miners ate coal, drank urine

Sorry, but how is that different than living in Newcastle?

Doggie Bag

2007-08-22T14:25:00.000-05:00

Now available in cellophane (without the urn) for the budget-conscious.

It's Never Filling

2007-08-12T17:33:00.001-05:00

Few people know that the sports bra was invented during the reign of Akhenaten.

Lazy Tuesday post 'bout nothing

2007-07-31T09:49:00.000-05:00

For those of you working in the publishing world, here's some cheap jokes about editors and their peers. There's not many editor jokes out there, especially compared with the huge number of jokes about other professions; hell, even ACTUARIES have a lot of jokes! I guess we editors just ain't funny.

Two fonts walk into a bar, the bartender says 'we don't serve your type here'. So they called the serif.

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can't tell whether you mean "insert a new lightbulb" or "have sexual relations inside a lightbulb". Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We're not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! It's one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Suits And Raspberries

2007-07-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

One of the suits I work with embarrassed himself recently, when he insisted that University of Western Ontario was part of the Ivy League. What a knob. It took three of us underlings to prove to him that UWO's business school is named after a different guy.

We're nearing the end of July, which means that raspberry season is almost gone for another year. Shamelessly poached from Foodland Ontario, here's a yummy raspberry dessert for those who appreciate this most exquisite of fruits.

Raspberry and Apricot Squares

1/2 cup (125 mL) butter
1 tsp (5 mL) grated lemon rind
1/3 cup (75 mL) granulated sugar
1/2 cup (125 mL) almonds
1 cup (250 mL) all-purpose flour
Topping:
2 cups (500 mL) Ontario Raspberries
1 cup (250 mL) sliced Ontario Apricots
1 cup (250 mL) ground almonds
2/3 cup (175 mL) granulated sugar
1/2 cup (125 mL) all-purpose flour
2 tbsp (25 mL) butter
2 eggs
1/2 tsp (2 mL) baking powder
Pinch salt

Butter sides of 8 in. (2 L) square cake pan; set aside.

In bowl, beat butter until creamy, stir in lemon rind, then sugar and almonds. Mix in flour gradually, using fingertips if too stiff to mix with spoon. Press onto bottom of prepared pan.

Bake in 325°F (160°C) oven for 12 minutes or until slightly puffed and surface appears dry; set aside. Increase oven temperature to 350°F (180°C).

Topping:
In small bowl, combine half the almonds, half the sugar and 2 tbsp (25 mL) of the flour. With fork, blend in butter until mixture is crumbly; set aside.

In separate bowl, beat eggs with remaining sugar until thickened and pale. Combine remaining almonds and flour with baking powder and salt; stir into egg mixture. Combine raspberries and apricots; spoon evenly over base. Cover evenly with batter. Sprinkle evenly with topping. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until top is puffed and golden and fruit is bubbly. Let cool in pan on rack. Run knife around edges of pan and cut into squares.

There you go. All this, just to shift my dad's picture from the top of the blog.

Sept. 26, 1927-June 25, 2007

2007-07-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

Goodbye Dad. You were one of the good guys.

Jesus Built My Sensible Fuel-Efficient Compact

2007-06-19T15:30:00.001-05:00

Hail Mary, full of...

More here.

Featuring The Hit Single "Tarmac-ameleon"

2007-06-17T14:51:00.000-05:00

Paved In Full: The Best Of The One-Man Ahmadinejad Band to be released soon:

He has provoked the west's fury with his calls for Israel's elimination, dismissal of the Holocaust as a "myth" and strident advocacy of Iran's nuclear rights.

Now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, has ordered his fiery polemics to be saved for posterity in preparation for commercial publication.

He has appointed a 15-member advisory council of his closest aides to study his "works and opinions" and choose the most important. Selected items are likely to be issued as books, CDs and pamphlets.

[edit]

However, Rooz Online, an opposition website, suggested Mr Ahmadinejad's advisers would have a much thinner body of work to choose from.

The only known publication credited to the president - who has a PhD in traffic management - was a treatise about cold asphalt, it said.

I Win

2007-06-16T18:38:00.000-05:00

Transmissions From The Silicon Tart.

If I May Be So Bald

2007-06-14T18:37:00.001-05:00

Nickers

2007-06-13T20:08:00.000-05:00

I laugh but I shouldn't:

Shoppers at Wal-Mart stores across America are loading carts with merchandise – maybe a flat-screen TV, a few DVDs and a six pack of beer – and strolling out without paying. Employees also are helping themselves to goods they haven't paid for.

The world's largest retailer is saying little about these kinds of thefts, but it's recent public disclosures that it is experiencing an increase in so-called shrinkage at its U.S. stores suggests that inventory losses due to shoplifting, employee theft, paperwork errors and supplier fraud could be worsening.

The hit is likely to rise to more than $3 billion this year...

* * * * * * * *

Citizens are asked to report any suspicious observed weight gain:

If you're a fan of Hershey's chocolates beware - there could be a bad batch contaminated with salmonella sitting on some store shelves without your knowledge. It all stems from a bizarre crime that Toronto Police alleged was committed by two men accused of carting off the tainted confections and re-selling them. It supposedly started last fall, when Hershey's originally recalled the candies after discovering the apparent contamination at its Smiths Falls plant.

They hired Turtle Island Recycling Depot on Cherry St. to get rid of them and several pallets of the goodies were destined for a truck on their way to a disposal. But cops allege the two men, one of whom was a Turtle Island employee, intercepted some of the treats and they may have been sold to retailers.

"I think this is a crime of opportunity," said Det. Sgt. John Babiar. "People have seen this chocolate that appears to be destined for destruction, but they were unaware of their risk."

"We estimate that there were approximately 40,000 bars." But only a few of those may have actually reached stores.

Hershey's has now been forced to recall the products in question as the hunt for the potentially dangerous candy continues.

"I suspect that they would have been resold at a very discounted rate to either individuals or diverted for their own personal use," Babiar adds.

* * * * * * * *

Cobourg police, masters of the bleedin' obvious:

The search for the missing beer from the Cobourg Corona heist leads to the streets of the Greater Toronto Area and the territory of organized crime.

Peel Regional and Cobourg police forces are now jointly investigating the theft, one of the largest in Cobourg history, but not as much as originally thought.

Both forces confirm the theft bears all the calling cards of organized crime.

Three tractor-trailers filled with cases of Corona were stolen Saturday afternoon from a Veronica Street parking lot, Cobourg Police said.

The lot, off Division Street south of Highway 401, is unguarded and often contains parked tractor-trailers, Const. Terry Stanley said.

Each trailer contained 1,300 24-bottle cases of the imported beer, Const. Stanley said.

All three rigs were discovered in an industrial area in Peel Region but the beer was gone, police said.

At about $40 per case the theft is worth around $156,000, police said.

The Beer Store sells a 24-bottle case of Corona for $44.35 which drives up the estimated value to around $172,965.

[edit]

Whoever stole the trucks would have had [the] buyers lined up beforehand, police said.

Hitch: Cocks; or, That's Funny, You Don't Look Mutilated

2007-06-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

A brief Hitchfest '07 digression...

'The connection between religious barbarism and sexual repression could not be plainer than when it is "marked in the flesh." Who can count the number of lives that have been made miserable in this way, especially since Christian doctors began to adopt ancient Jewish folklore in their hospitals?" (Christopher Hitchens: God Is Not Great, p. 226)

Those of you who've read Mordecai Richler's paranoid '60s London satire Cocksure probably already know this, but the incidence of male circumcision in Canada in the mid-20th century, while difficult to say with accuracy, was clearly much higher than in the U.K.

Doesn't appear to have made the Brits any happier though (stats p. 37).

Higher standards?

Colonel Mustard, In The Nursery, With A Shoe

2007-06-12T13:58:00.001-05:00

Professional jumper. Closed course.

Shee-it. Aren't there easier ways to prevent hernia?

More on s-pan y'all.

Melty Week

2007-06-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

Too bleedin' hot.

That's right: I'm reduced to posting about the weather.

And food. Tasty 'n' easy summer veggie dish for 2. Can't remember where it's from. Goes well warm with white basmati rice, but you can do it as a cold salad too:

Creamy Puy Lentils w/Lemon Dressing

1/2 cup Puy lentils
1 garlic clove
1 smallish tomater
4-6 black olives (optional, IMNSHO)
1 tbsp butter
1/2 lemon
2 tsp chopped fresh tarragon
1/2 tsp grainy mustard
1-2 tbsp creme fraiche
salt and pepper
chopped flat-leaf parsley, tarragon sprigs and lemon wedges to garnish

1. Boil lentils in saucepan for about 20-25 minutes, or until tender.
2. In the meantime, prepare the veg and make the dressing. Chop the garlic, halve and pit the olives, finely chop and seed the tomato.
3. While the lentils are cooking, heat the butter in a skillet at medium heat. Add garlic; saute, while occasionally stirring, until it begins to brown. Grate in lemon rind, and stir in the juice. Add tarragon and mustard, and cook for 1/2 to 1 minute, stirring constantly. Stir in creme fraiche, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, then stir in the (drained) lentils, tomato and olives.
4. Transfer and garnish with the tarragon, parsley and lemon.

If you can't be bothered to make or don't want to buy creme fraiche, works perfectly well with 2-3 tbsp full-fat yogourt.

If you live in some hick backwater and can't get puy lentils, then either a) use brown, and make sure to reduce your cooking time so's they don't turn to mush, or b) drink yourself into a depressive stupor.